Weaponized Hair-Moss Hybrid Super Spy

Carl Mon,
Interim Head of PIA

The Peripheral Intelligence Agency recently deployed a top-end agents as an undercover in Boston. This man, having recently recovered from on-the-job injuries, is so talented that it is not a worry for us to report on his existence. His overall purpose, however, is necessarily secret.

The Boston Agent yesterday sent word of a rather rude “yellow moss” found across the city. This moss is notorious for abrasive comments and gestures that it delivers to passersby. What citizens of the world do not know, is that the moss is secretly recording them and sending the data to government agencies.

The Boston Agent has come to believe that this moss is the result of spraying Hair Anywhere Spray on a particular kind of New England moss. When sprayed, this moss grows in intellect, instead of growing in size. It also becomes eternally loyal to the sprayer, who it refers to as “Dearest Thought Enabler”.

It appears our arch-nemesis, the Central Intelligence Agency, has weaponized Hair Anywhere Spray against the citizens of the world and their privacy. This is a terrible assault on the very existence of the periphery because, without privacy, the periphery will inevitably converge into the central.

Luckily, we in the corners and crevices of the world can fight back. We can find discontinued Hair Anywhere spray cans in our garages and junkyards. The government confiscated most, but there are many leftover. We can spray the moss ourselves, making it more intelligent but also loyal to us and against the CIA. We can give the CIA a stronger dose of its own medicine.

May we preserve the periphery!

As always, Peripherally will go the winds of progress!

For more articles by Carl Mon, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email mon.carl@surrealtimes.net.

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