The Surreal Five Speak Out: “Our Brains Are Surreal Now And We Like It That Way.”

The Editors,
Surreal Times Staff

In a startling turn of events, the UMass Amherst students now known as the “Surreal Five”, who were recently poisoned by a mysterious chemical called H-33, have announced their intention not to take their treatment regularly. The harmless treatment would allow them to live completely normal, fully real lives. By rejecting the treatment, they face a life of mild, constant Surreality.

Reporters followed the so-called “ringleader” of the Surreal Five, Samantha Blisse, as she walked to her Puffton Village apartment. Rather than ignore them, Blisse spoke off the cuff. The transcript of her remarks:

“Look, you want us all to graduate here and get boring [expletive] jobs, advance up the career ladder, stop to pump out some kids, then [expletive] grind till we’re old and decrepit and die senile and clueless. Tough [expletive]. Not gonna happen. We agree completely on this, the five of us: [expletive] reality. And besides we’ve been contacted by [pause]... Nevermind.”

[Transcript Ends]

Experts worry that Blisse’s attitude, and apparently the attitude of the entire Surreal Five, will cause others exposed to H-33 to follow suit and reject their treatment. Doctors worry that we might see an upswell in Surreality, which would be especially problematic in the wake of the recent Surreal Crisis (chronicled by Joe Kierlskegrienger in his series “The Death Of Surreality". The Times itself refrains from passing judgement on the Surreal Five. We will document this history as it unfolds.

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