April 29th Special Broadcast
26.4.2018
SPECIAL BROADCAST
[On PowerPoint: “THE SURREAL TIMES”]
Two Anchors enter. One - Anchor 1 - stands stage right, facing the audience, and upstage. The other stands downstage, holding a stack of newspapers, on stage left.
Anchor 1: Hello, and welcome: whether you’re here in the audience, at home, or just thinking about us right now, we’re glad to cross paths with you. We are the Surreal Times, and, for the first time in recorded history, we’re going live.
Anchor 2 walks into the audience, and distributes papers to members of the audience.
Anchor 1 (Continuing): that’s right, you did hear correctly; instead of forcing you to read our news by yourself, we’ve graciously decided to take time out of our busy schedules to read it directly to you. However, some of you out there might not be too familiar with our organization, paradigms of honest journalism though we are, so first we’d like to tell you a little bit about our organization.
Anchor 2 returns to the stage, and sits beside anchor 1.
Anchor 1: It’s impossible to talk about ourselves without first talking about the current state of the media. It’s … (quietly ) It’s not that good.
Anchor 2: It’s not that good…
Anchors 1 and 2 mutter under their breath sheepishly.
Anchor 1: Financially, they’re fine, or whatever. In terms of capital, the media is booming. But, of course, there are more important metrics by which to measure success; …
Anchors struggle to come up with examples of better metrics.
Anchor 2: Honesty!
Anchor 1: These are metrics by which the current media simply just doesn’t measure up. It’s just … just … too one sided.
Anchor 2: Now, they say the present all sides of every issue. But do they? Inevitably, certain sides are preferenced; inevitably, they preference the real side. The ‘realistic’ side. The believable side.
Anchor 1: But what of the news that is unbelievable? What of the news that is unrealistic? What of the news that is so surreal, it cannot fit within the mainstream media’s pitifully miniscule concept of what ‘counts as news?’
Anchor 1: Folks, the times have changed. And The Times must change with them. In 2016, out of the ashes of Bill O’Reilly’s cigarette butt, we, the Surreal Times, incorporated in a cave in the forests of Western Mass.
Anchor 2: This was very difficult, mainly because caves are hard to find in Western Mass.
Anchor 1: The Surreal Times makes a point to cover stories that other media organizations simply don’t. The media today fixates on the real, and the unimaginative. This is an intuitive approach; however, one that we consider short sighted, compared to what news coverage could be. (... if it tried).
Anchor 2: See, the truth is the times are as surreal as ever, and such a predicament necessitates a surreal voice. This is ultimately our goal.
Anchor 1: We can understand if you’re confused. It might help to take a retrospective look at some of our choicest journalistic achievements.
Anchor 2: We’re now going to show you some stories we’ve broken in the past year or so, which enjoyed little - if any - coverage elsewhere in the press.
[PowerPoint slide changes: “ARKANSAS HOWLER” + graphic of headline]
Anchor 1: Ah, yes. The story of the Arkansas Howler; if you haven’t been reading our paper, you probably didn’t hear about him - unless you heard him for yourself.
Anchor 2: He’s a local character, well known to the Amherst police department, hospitalized recently for yelling very loudly.
Anchor 1: Yelling is his self-proclaimed obsession.
Anchor 2: To quote an interview he graciously gave us in November of last year, he said: “I’m trying to get a single scream as loud as I can get it, and that’s a pretty tough goal. Right now I’m peaking out around 118 decibels, which is just a few below the world record,” End quote.
Anchor 1: Fortunately, he’s out of the hospital, and screaming in his special room again. But, of course, if you’ve read our paper, you’d know this already.
Anchor 2: I ask you this: when this story broke, where was the Amherst wire? The Collegian? They looked the other way, all of them! They heard the other way.
Anchor 1: And why? Why would they condemn a harrowing story like this to the quiet oubliette of willful ignorance?
Anchor 2: Because, to them, a story like this is simply unimaginable. And that’s its crime. It’s not “real.” Our readers won’t believe it, they say.
Anchor 1: A shame. But, all the more business for us! Let’s take a look at another story - not a local one though. This is national news, and the national media is equally guilty of perpetuating realism.
[PowerPoint slide changes: “THE SURREAL ENGINE” + graphic]
Anchor 1: The Surreal Engine; one of our most important stories this year, first reported by an anonymous Citizen of the World. The news itself concerns a machine, first engineered in New Mexico, which, to quote our reporter Mo ‘Tiny’ Schlemiel, conveyed “surreality qubit-for-qubit at an unprecedented speed. It has been called a “portal to surreality for the average man.”
Anchor 2: A notable drawback of the machine, at least in its early iteration was that many of its trial subjects, “upon returning to reality,” found “themselves unsatisfied. Reportedly, they gathered “at night,” turned “their eyes upward,” and lamented “their inability to “see past the heavens.””
Anchor 1: These are minor details in what is truly a fine piece of journalism, both by anonymous sources and the Times reporting staff.
Anchor 2: I wonder what could interest the mainstream media more than an affordable portal to surreality itself?
Anchor 1: Hillary’s emails? The Mueller investigation? Russian collusion?
Anchor 2: Simply not as substantive … anyway, let’s move on.
[PowerPoint slide changes: “THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR” + graphic]
Anchor 1: Ah, the Knight in Shining Armor story! The one about the deranged soul who, in Fairbanks Alaska, strapped into a suit of shining armor, and rampaged around town. Some of our best journalism, if I do say so myself.
Anchor 2: I agree! We should have won some award for this. The Knight in Shining Armor story was probably our proudest, most impactful achievement to date.
(a long silence)
Anchor 1: Let’s move on to our next story.
Anchor 2: Yes, let’s move on.
[PowerPoint slide changes: “THE GYROSCOPE” + graphic]
Anchor 1: Recently the Amherst farmer’s market brought with it an unusual variety. In addition to the usual flowers, fruits, and vegetables, this weekend brought with it a man and his contraption.
Anchor 2: Yes, this man brought with him an old human gyroscope from a circus that perhaps should have been better regulated.
Anchor 1: Yes…
Anchor 2: Yeah..
Anchor 1: The contraption is reminiscent of a globe, with two moving axes. It is 10 to 15 feet tall.
Anchor 2: Individuals, oftentimes children only a few feet tall, step into the center of the gyro, and are strapped in. The man then stands clear, and instructs onlookers to do so as well.
Anchor 1: Yes, and subsequently he pulls a rusty lever, setting the gyroscope into a spinning frenzy.
Anchor 2: The occupant of the gyro is turned around, upside down, and in every which way at a furious pace. It renders them dizzy, oftentimes. But the results vary. Some people emerge with enthusiasm. Others are solemn. Always, though, they are thankful for the experience. And onlookers are left wondering why?
Anchor 1: Why do these people seemingly enjoy their violent tumbling experiences?
Anchor 2: And why is the man behind the contraption taking time from his life to bring this contraption to Amherst?
Anchor 1: We at The Surreal Times interviewed this man, and he gave us the scoop. As it turns out, he devotes his life to this cause -- traveling the world, and putting people in this gyroscope device. His motivation, as we learned, is mindfulness. When he puts people into the gyroscope, he disorients them completely, and shocks their senses. As a result, they have no option but to focus on the present moment. In fact, they would have trouble escaping the moment if they tried.
Anchor 2: Truly admirable.
Anchor 1: Indeed.
Anchor 2: But I don’t think the audience is entirely clear on what the gyroscope actually looked like.
Anchor 1: Really? I thought our graphic was good!
Anchor 2: I was good, but … it’s a bit small.
[PowerPoint slide changes: TENNIS BALL]
Anchor 2: See, this gives you a slightly better sense of the size of the thing.
Anchor 1 looks at the slide.
Anchor 1: It’s a little better, but it’s all fuzzy. Now, this …
[PowerPoint slide changes: SMALL BASKETBALL]
Anchor 1: This gives you a slightly better sense of the surface.
Anchor 2: Hm …
Anchor 2 looks at the graphic.
Anchor 2: Still too small.
[PowerPoint slide changes: BIG BASKETBALL]
Anchor 1: But it spun.
[PowerPoint slide changes: GLOBE]
Anchor 2: Let’s compromise.
[PowerPoint slide changes: GLOBE & BASKETBALL]
Anchor 1: Ok, fine. Let’s move on to our last story.
[PowerPoint slide changes: “WATERGATE” + graphic]
Anchor 1: That was us!
Anchor 2: It was. People don’t know this. But the actual place was bigger.
[PowerPoint slide changes: WATERGATE CLOSEUP]
Anchor 1: Let’s not do this.
Anchor 2: Ok. Anyway, we should probably address the elephant in the room.
Anchor 1: Which is you all.
Anchor 2: Not that you’re elephants.
Anchor 1: You’re not!
Anchor 2: Which is not to say that it would be insulting, necessarily, to compare you to elephants.
Anchor 1: For instance, they are very smart, and live in incredibly complex and sophisticated societies.
Anchor 2: They have been known to mourn their dead.
A long silence.
Anchor 2: I didn’t mean to go there. Let’s move on.
Anchor 1: My point is, you’re here, and we want to do something with you. We would like to have an A&Q session with you, for those that are interested.
Anchor 2: If any of you have an answer that has occurred to you during the course of our important newscast, we invite you to out yourself by raising your hand. We’re happy to question any answers any of you have at this time.
[A & Q SESSION BEGINS]
A: 3
A: Colorado
A: Turpentine is nature’s solvent
A: Sigmund Droid
A: It’s not you, it’s me.
A: Nacho Libre is an underrated film, perhaps a masterpiece.
Q: That’s a trick answer - the question is none!
Q: Hm, I think that answer questions itself.
Q: Interesting answer; I don’t think I have much of a question for that.
Q: And my question is, is there life after death?
Q (only for ‘It’s not you it’s me’): [name]? Please come back! I’ll do anything!
(As other answers arise, improvise questions/dialogue)
[A & Q SESSION ENDS]
Anchor 1: Thank you so much for a fruitful answer and question session. Before we take off, there are some logistical details we’d like to take care of.
Anchor 2: We are on the internet! We have a beautiful website at ‘surrealtimes.net.’ We will also have a lovely booth, run by members of the Surreal Times News Team, with a tip jar after the event!
Anchor 1: This tip jar is not for monetary tips!
Anchor 2: It is for anonymous tips! Hush Hush.
Anchor 1: If you want to tip us off on a developing story, but do not want to make a thing out of it, let us know in the anonymous tip jar! So, once again, that’s surrealtimes.net, and for more details or tips see us at our booth.
Anchor 2 picks up newspaper. Anchor 2 stands up, and walks in front of the desk; he faces the audience.
Anchor 1: And now, we would like to leave you with a few thoughts. Our message, ultimately, is not one of pessimism. It is one of hope.
Anchor 2 tears newspaper once.
Anchor 1: We do not want to see the end of reality. We think reality is great! But, every now and then, we could use a second opinion, just to stay sane.
Anchor 2 tears the newspaper again, into four pieces.
Anchor 1: In the current mess that is the media today, The Surreal Times aims to provide a different perspective -- one that embraces subjective experiences, the inner workings of our minds, and opens itself to the seemingly unbelievable.
Anchor 2 tears the newspaper again, into eight pieces. Anchor 2 collects pieces.
Anchor 1: It’s a messy project. But, it’s a necessary one. And it’s also quite a lot of fun. If you care to join us, meet us with and speak of your dreams as if they are as important as what happens in your waking hours. We assure you that they are. If you don’t believe us, we politely ask you to reconsider.
Anchor 2 restores the newspaper into one piece.
Anchor 1: The Surreal Times thanks you for tuning in to our special broadcast. We hope you have a good night.
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