Burp Rumbles Across Town

Clarence Mon,
Director of PIA

We’ve received reports in of a ground-shaking rumble. Those contacting us said that it was subtle and not dangerous. Still, they were alarmed by its power and the putrid smell which wafted in afterward.

We at The Peripheral Intelligence Agency wished to investigate. However, Sergeant Tom Johnson from UMass Police refused to speak with us or share UMPD records, claiming that this is a Central issue and that we have no jurisdiction on the matter. This sort of response from UMPD is becoming a common problem for us.

We are awaiting more police dispatch data from UMPD, but by surveying the public we were able to develop a better understanding of this event. By and large, survey responders reported feeling the rumble around 2:30 pm on February 27th, the day of the SGA election. Many also mentioned jokingly that they happened to burp at the same moment, that they had been stressed, and that they suddenly felt calm afterward. Upon a second round of questioning, we realized this was the case for over 85% of our survey sample.

It seems this collective burp may have been widespread enough to cause the aforementioned rumble. We are not yet certain.

Regardless,
Peripherally go the winds of progress…

For more articles by Clarence Mon, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email cmon@surrealtimes.net.

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