Hair Salad Grows In Your Stomach

“Capitalists sacrificing lives for profit”

Whaler S. Fishpole,
Freelance Journalist
[Artist's depiction of this hair tragedy by Imogene Larkley]

Human Hair Salad connoisseurs are dropping like flies with a new, not previously medically-described stomach illness. Symptoms include burping and shitting ropes of hair from their mouths and assholes. As the hair grows like weeds from within their bellies, it reaches out from their bodies and grabs other things. As a result, victims are left tied to their beds, toilets, chairs, and other objects while they sleep or sit still.

A 5th-grade band student was found with a trumpet bound to his face by stomach hair that had grown so long that it escaped his mouth, grew into the trumpet pipe, and wrapped around the muzzle. The only cure was to pour bleach down the boy’s trumpet hole, dissolving the roots of the hair in his stomach. Unfortunately, it grew back. It always grows back.

Hair grew from inside a Northampton woman’s mouth and, while she was sleeping, traveled through her nostril cavities into her brain. The hair rope has been removed, but the woman now suffers from a permanent twitch.

The trendy bourgeois food which led to all this, Human Hair Salad, is not made from regular human hair. We now know that it is not natural at all. It’s made from lab-grown weeds genetically-engineered to have the characteristics of human hair, to be able to take the place of human hair, to grow monstrously, and to grow on literally anything. The formula can be put in a spray can, at which point it is called Hair Anywhere Spray. It has caused tremendous destruction and sorrow in the Pioneer Valley. Hair made in this fashion grows even more wildly in the stomach.

At first, Human Hair Salad may have been made from human hair. Growing demand pushed the inventors to go completely artificial. Using Hair Anywhere Spray, they can grow endless amounts of edible hair, more than they could ever want or need. And they can do it cheap. I’m talking 5000% profit. $5,000 for every dollar spent.

The worst part is that ever since Hair Anywhere Spray was banned, its formula has been kept under tight wraps. Only a select few people know it, and they are bound by a strict code of omertà. The serum is secret too. The only people who know the serum are directly benefiting from the problem they are causing. We need to get the serum to the people, by legislatory or revolutionary means. Whatever it takes. If we don’t, we’ll suffocate on our own saliva and stomach hair.

For more articles by Whaler S. Fishpole, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email fishpole.whaler@surrealtimes.net.

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