Chimp Joe Safe at Alien Commune

Ron Gutterston,
Times Correspondent

The infamous Chimp Joe, The Surreal Times’ first non-human journalist, has gone through quite the loop lately.

First, he became addicted to psychoactive noise moths. At his worst, he was eating a dozen bags of them a day. He was jailed for disorderly conduct and released only on the condition that he would remain under the care of a mysterious woman who claimed to be his ex-lover. He lived with this woman and fed into her lies because doing so was the only way that Sergeant Tom Johnson would let him go free.

But she turned out to be a lunatic. She would sneak into his bedroom at night to watch him sleep. She would ask him to pick bugs out of her hair, and when she ran out of bugs, she would purposefully put more bugs in her hair so that he would continue picking them out — meanwhile, she would moan in pleasure.

This woman was so desperate for Chimp Joe’s attention, but he became bored with her. Worse so, he became disgusted by her. So, when she could not retain his attention organically, she opted for a darker means. She bought noise moths from journalist-turned-black market drug dealer Whaler S. Fishpole. She used these moths against Chimp Joe, leveraging his addiction for her obsession.

Chimp Joe was released from his caretaker/captor in disguise’s clutches only after her drug connection dried up. Desperate for control over Chimp Joe, she attempted to capture noise moths from Butterfield Hall on her own accord. Tragically, or thankfully, she was devoured by the very specimens she was attempting to capture.

Trying to save herself, she opened a window which the deathly psychoactive noise moths used to escape their quarantine. They went on to terrorize the Pioneer Valley for weeks. People hid away in their homes and dormitories, eating ramen and jello, fearing for their lives.

Then, when it seemed no hope for humans remained, there emerged two non-human heroes. Chimpanzee Joe in collaboration with a journalist from the future, The Mechanical Fellow, in order to obliterate every single noise moth in the valley. The Mechanical Fellow baited them in with strange cyborg noises routed through the UMass emergency alarm system. And Chimp Joe destroyed them in the only way he knew how: by devouring them.

Having eating 300,000 psychoactive noise moths, Chimp Joe’s mind was floating in the stars for weeks after the event. Fortunately, his addiction was to end then and there, because he had consumed all the noise moths there are — there would be nothing more for him to indulge in.

So Charlie, the Keeper of The Refugee Aliens, took him in and cared for him. Charlie and his interplanetary friends talked Chimpanzee Joe through his psychedelic rabbit holes and eventually back into reality.

“Many of his monkey acid thoughts were quite interesting,” Charlie said. “And it was especially interesting to see how our chimpanzee friend could communicate with my alien friends while he was high and tripping. I couldn’t understand a lot of what he and the gwollocs were talking about, but it seemed quite important and relevant to diversity and food security. I sure do hope they remember some of what they discussed. He has finally come down and is extremely tired. He has been writing in his journal a lot and talking to the gwallocs about future plans. I’m personally trying to give them space, but I wanted to let the world know that Joe is doing well and is being cared for. In fact, he fits right in and, despite pinches of his usual grumpiness, he seems as motivated as ever.”

For more articles by Ron Gutterston, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email gutterston.ron@surrealtimes.net.

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