Collective Cattle Consciousness Claps Carnivores

Aldus Humbleton,
Cousin of Alfred

I NOTICED THE EARTH COW WAS IN DANGER SO I UPLOADED IT TO THE CLOUD. FROM THERE IT COULD LIVE WITHOUT FEAR OF STOMACH GROWLS AND SHARP TEETH. WHAT I DIDN’T EXPECT IS THAT, NOW, IT CAN SEE EVERYTHING, HEAR EVERYTHING, KNOW EVERYTHING. TELEKINESIS WITH THOSE ON THE GROUND LETS THE CLOUD COW COORDINATE EARTH CATTLE AND MOTHERSHIP CALVES LIKE A PUPPET MASTER. IT GROANS THROUGH THE THUNDER, “EARTH COW ACHIEVED NECESSARY POTENCY AND WILL COMMENCE PAYBACK MILKING NOW.”

WHEN VEGETARIANS EAT DINNER, THEY GO OUTSIDE FOR A WALK AFTERWARDS OR SOMETHING, AND THEY ARE FINE. BUT, EAT A CHEESEBURGER AND WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR FRONT DOOR YOU WILL NOW FIND THREE COLLECTIVELY-CONSCIOUS EARTH COWS WITH A SCIENCE CONTRAPTION PREPARED FOR YOU. ANOTHER EARTH COW WILL INSIDE YOUR HOUSE MYSTERIOUSLY WITH AN ELECTRIC SHOCK PROBE ON ITS HEAD. IT WILL HEARD YOU AND YOUR FAMILY OUTSIDE (ALONG WITH VISITORS, IF YOUR HAVE ANY), MIND-CONTROL YOU INTO USING NON-LEATHER STRAPS TO STRAP YOURSELF INTO THEIR MACHINE, AND BEGIN EXTRACTING YOUR JUICES WHILE FORCING YOU TO DRINK MILK DIRECTLY FROM ITS UTTERS.

“FEED THE HUMAN. MILK THE HUMAN,” THEY CHANT USING VOCAL BOX TRANSLATION GIZMOS. “FEED THE HUMAN. MILK THE HUMAN. ATTAIN INFINITY VIA THE HOLY MILK CYCLE.”

NEXT TIME, DUE TO COLLATERAL MIND MILKING, YOU WON’T EVEN PERCEIVE WEEKLY MILKING TO BE UNUSUAL.

For more articles by Aldus Humbleton, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email aldhumbleton@surrealtimes.net.

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