Easy Alternative Diet Will Help You Lose Weight

[Artist's depiction of these events by Zotov]

If you want to be skinny like Paris Hilton, listen up - I have good news.

Some people say “no pain, no gain”. They say you need to put in work to get results. But I’m here to tell you that’s a lie. There’s an easy way to lose weight, and it works.

The key fact that nobody wants you to know is that, to lose weight, all you need to do is one thing: weigh less.

New York Times bestseller “The Helium Diet” by Maggie Burroughs describes a groundbreaking new method to get the number on your scale down. In twelve chapters of literary goodness, she explains how you can live the lifestyle you want to live, while still staying 130 lbs or less. No self-control or physical exertion (which are traumas on the body!) required.

For a low price of $40 a hit, Maggie’s husband, Craig, will let you drink from the helium tank at his auto body shop in Brentwood, California. He guarantees 15 pounds of weight loss per session. But, there’s a catch.

“Don’t burp, or you’ll gain a pound,” he says, “And for god sake, don’t fart. Under normal circumstances, you’ll gain about a pound a day due to breathing, and it’s worse if you’re a farter. Either way, if you come back to my shop every week or so, I can fix you up. Just make sure to read Maggie’s book because she is super smart.”

Celebrities are lining up at Craig’s auto body to get their helium, so if you go, you might even catch a glimpse of Paris Hilton herself!

For more articles by Tommy Potentuary, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tommy.potent@surrealtimes.net.


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