Collegian Did Not Start Newsbox Fires

The Surreal Times editors are naggy and completely off the mark. They and their followers believe that other local newspapers are out to get them. They’ve accused the Massachusetts Daily Collegian, the Hampshire Gazette, and the Amherst Student of anti-surrealist attacks and vandalism. These are false accusations, as is confirmed by the leadership of the other newspapers.

Haylee, an editor at the Collegian, says, “No, we of course did not start any fires… I haven’t heard of anyone doing that at all, actually. Is that real?”

Many other individuals wonder whether a newspaper box fire ever did occur. UMass Amherst Police department investigations have discovered no evidence whatsoever. The single self-identified witness to the fires, a dog-walker named Sherry Wolverton, said, “there was a fire on the fish box, but nothing out of the usual for that disgusting place you call Amherst.”

UMass PD advises Surreal Times staff and followers to stop contacting, questioning, and slandering local newspapers about these supposed “box fires”. If this fantasy of theirs goes further, restraining orders will be put in place.

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