Common Man Builds Amazing Inspectrograph

Common Observer,
Times Staff

Hello, everybody. Today’s a great day. From the belly of prospect street, a regular man from regular beginnings has done an extraordinary thing.

For a long time, Aldus Humbleton and his cousin, Alfred, have investigated connections between reality and the abstract “Realm of Ideas”. As they learned, the Realm of Ideas is a parallel universe whose contents determine which thoughts are or are not thinkable in our universe.

In the past, the Humbleton family has theorized about how real-world events have been affected by the changing state of the realm of ideas. For example, abstract “idea weather” in the Realm of Ideas supposedly caused all thoughts divisible by 8 to be unthinkable for a period of time. On a separate occasion, all people in the world had the same thought simultaneously, due to the realm of ideas collapsing temporarily into a singular width. However, this is all speculative.

Last week, Aldus Humbleton finished constructing a fully functioning machine capable of recording the state of the realm of ideas in any given instant.

“This machine is friggin awesome,” he says, “It can tell you whatever you want to know about the idea realm, whenever you want to know it. You just sometimes can’t understand until later. It works by contacting my cousin Alfred, who lives in the idea realm now.”

Before this machine, it was impossible to know the state of the Realm of Ideas at any given moment. This is because it is impossible to perceive the shape of the Realm of Ideas while being in its effective zone. Your thoughts affect the Realm of Ideas, and the Realm of Ideas affects your thoughts. The only way to observe its shape, theoretically, would be to escape its grasp and observe it from the outside.

That is exactly what Aldus’s cousin, Alfred, has done. He has escaped the world governed by the Realm of Ideas. Now he can view it from the outside. And somehow, using a process called “dilatable bacteria block party”, his cousin has succeeded in receiving and translating information about the Realm of Ideas sent to him by his cousin. Allegedly his process was inspired by Chuulepher Erp Mangus’s “Process too complicated to explain” from 2017 (https://surrealtimes.net/article/experiments-that-you-should-probably-know-about--2017-02-2).

What an amazing feat by a silly man from whom we didn’t expect great things!


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