Community Classifieds
Some personal ads thrust, slimy or dry, through our newsflaps or scrawled on walls where we could find them, with cash enclosed. Should you wish to see your words here next issue, please write them on the back of a CVS receipt, curl them into an envelope with three dollars and sixty-two cents ($3.62) in exact change, and hurl it towards your nearest chimney. It WILL reach us.
1. LOCAL CHURCH FOUND BY POPE EMERITUS P.J. HANELY, KSC. PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE AND DO NOT ATTEMPT TO VISIT OUR PREMISES AT 45 MAIN STREET, PRESCOTT, WHERE MASSES CERTAINLY DO NOT OCCUR FROM 10-11:30 EVERY THURSDAY. DO MU. IT’S MOOT.
2. Selling: CHAINS. Rusty chains, gold chains, tow chains, tiny metallic links joined by memory or time. Suitable for all binding needs.
3. To whom it may concern. You know who you are. I do too. Follow my advice, leave six fish on the doorstep of Bart's at 2 pm on a Sunday. Do not ask why. Do not question it.
4. FOR SALE: OATMEAL LACED WITH LIVE AUSTRALIAN CENTIPEDES. OATMEAL IS OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY. CENTIPEDES ARE OF THE MOST AGILE, SCURRYING KIND. BUY IN BULK FOR DISCOUNT.
5. WANTED: A HELPING TAIL TO SCRATCH PLACES A HAND WOULD NEVER WANT TO GO. MAY ALSO BE USED TO OCCUPY A DOG WHOSE OWN TAIL HAS BEEN AMPUTATED.
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