Contagious Hiccupers Required To Glue Kazzoos To Faces

[Artist's depiction of these events by Sawyer Philips]

Those infected with Hiccups 2021, otherwise known as Reverse Hiccups, have for the past month been quarantined due to the contagious nature of their disease.This was to prevent them from running about our cities, purposefully scaring people and thereby transferring their hiccups to others. As of April 24th, the hiccupers have been released from their quarantine under one condition: that they super-glue kazoos to their mouths.

"The reasoning for this," Sergeant Tom Johnson said, "is that, with a kazoo in their mouths, hiccupers can no longer scare others, and therefore cannot spread their disease. It makes them sound funny instead of scary."

An unfortunate side effect of this restriction is that hiccupers no longer have the ability to speak without doing so through a kazoo. Kazoo talk is not incomprehensible, but it is difficult to parse sometimes.

Still, most hiccupers rejoice at this return to semi-normalcy.

"I'm just relieved they figured out a compromise," said one squeaky hiccuper, "that can allow us to be free until doctors discover a full cure."

That said, some hiccupers choose to remain in government quarantine cells. They refuse to wear their government-provided kazoo, and as a result, are not allowed to leave. "This is belittling," one wrote to The Surreal Times over email, "How can they force us to walk around town honking like clowns?"

For more articles by Carl Mon, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email


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