Introspecting On The Side Effects Of Divorce

“I came home from the divorce courtroom to find our babysitter in tears,” Emily Whitters-Jones. said, “The babysitter was frenetic, saying that our son Joshie had exploded into a million tiny particles before her eyes. She had no idea what happened, but she said it was exactly 2:25pm, which was when the judge had pounded his gavel.”

Investigators have yet to find an explanation for Joshie Whitter-Jones’ spontaneous disintegration. But, other similar cases are popping up all over the place, and it's forming a pattern. For the last week, every legal divorce has resulted in the couple’s children vanishing into thin air.

Many clashing couples are starting to second guess whether their problems are truly unsolvable. “I wanted to kill my husband,” one woman said, “but I couldn’t because doing so would have made our son go to another dimension. A few weeks later, and I’m realizing maybe I don’t want to kill my husband after all. Once divorce become an impossibility, we had no choice but to confront the problems in our relationship. We’re doing better now.”

Not all relationships have benefited from this disappearing baby phenomenon, however.

Abigail Brooster, for instance, said she “didn’t give a rat’s ass about any person with a fraction of [her] grimey husband’s genetics.” She enthusiastically divorced him and revelled in her empty nest once “those spoiled little Dave-clones” became smithereens.

Other couples have reacted in a variety of ways.

The Peripheral Intelligence Agency is investigating the hows and why’s of what’s going on. But, in the meanwhile, we continue to learn more about ourselves as this new phenomenon puts human love to the test in a new way.

For more articles by Dernberger Spengleton, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email


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