2020 was a 1 in a million kind of year on Earth (and elsewhere). On Earth, we had civil rights violations, climate disasters, and a pandemic all at once. That’s why we were lucky to have something in the broader cosmos to look forward to: The rare year of galactic ju-jitsu.
For context: DJ Gooba Gibgab, dawning from planet Nebulonis, hosts a Ju-Jitsu tournament every cosmic year (200 million Earth years). The best practitioners from around the Milky Way converge for a chance at the Big Belt . Zillions of fans attend the showing, of all shapes, sizes, smells. The viewing stands stretch high into the sulfuric clouds, and so fans dodge Nebulonian heat lightning (for which the planet is notorious) as they watch the tournament unfold below. The competition is single elimination, lasting approximately two Earth weeks to finish. In the end, a single specimen stands victorious atop Dorf’s Memorial Pile of Junk Cars, and the winning species is awarded the losing species’ planet to use for whatever purposes they choose. The tone of the event is set by DJ Gooba’s Nebulonian Techno performances in between fights which are a dazzling good time.
For this year’s tourney, Earth nominated Anderson Silva, UFC Champion, and joint lock submission specialist. Silva is an athletic phenomenon and mental monster. After years of training and earthly dominance, he seemed like a worthy competitor to any interplanetary foe.
When asked to predict the outcome of the tourney, he said, “I plan on bringing great riches to my planet.”
Training for this event, Mr. Silva didn’t know what to prepare for, so he appointed the best fighters, scuba divers, hypnotists, and gymnasts in the world to teach him their ways.
“The last competition was before humans existed on Earth. So our competition is a big mystery to us,” said Mr. Silva, “but it is also an advantage because nobody in the galaxy knows what a finely trained Human-like myself is capable of. I’m going to knock them off their feet.”
Little did Silva know that the competition he was facing didn’t have feet at all. In the final round, it was Earth Human against a Blaffgodian Destructor. Blaffgodians are atrocious tentacled creatures, completely boneless and bonkers, more closely resembling a steroid-fueled octopus than any other Earth creature. Except it's worse because other solar systems have steroids, unlike anything our planet has ever seen.
Anderson Silva, being a joint-lock specialist, a breaker of bones - was powerless against this gooey specimen. He tried everything in his arsenal - arm locks, leg twists, chokehold to no avail. Meanwhile, the Blaffgodian allowed himself to be limply thrown around as he cackled at the puny human’s hopelessness, hyping up the crowd. Once Anderson Silva had completely given up hope, the Blaffgodian entangled all of Anderson’s limbs, leaving him tied on the ground like a pretzel.
Strangely, the monster looked lips with the human, confusing the crowd. But it was not what it seemed. The Blaffgodian covered up the incapacitated human’s nose and ears while blowing into his mouth, playing him like a flute. After playing his planet’s anthem through his enemy, he covered up Anderson Silva’s mouth, his final orifice, until his life force extinguished.
When it was done, DJ Gooba GibGab cued up a track and the crowd went wild. Fans from other planets spit spit of all kinds onto the flabbergasted human section. Everybody else raved into the night as a grand party ensued. Cultures came together, sharing drinks, drugs, games never before seen on Earth. Many creatures, if clothed in the first place, stripped off their clothes took things to the next level, doing things which no English words could possibly describe. All I can say is that new species were created that night. Also, Planet Blaffgodia owns Mars now, and the Martians are not happy.
It’s too bad for the Earthlings that Anderson Silva, in all his studies, neglected to read the guide to wrestling with octopi on surrealtimes.net (click here to learn more). Had he known the weaknesses of anthropoids, he might have stood a chance. But, instead, he was left laying in a puddle of blood, sweat, and ink.
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