Dear Jupiter: I Can Only Express Myself Through Elaborate Performance Art

Jupiter,
Advice Columnist

Dear Jupiter,

I have to break up with my girlfriend, but I don’t know how to tell her. Instead of having a conversation with her, I cover myself in swiss cheese and march around the apartment singing Cole Porter songs. The cheese symbolizes our aging relationship, but I don’t think she gets it.

I don’t know how to talk about my feelings, so I express myself through elaborate performance art. When I came out to my parents, I wrote Tennyson quotes on 10,000 balloons and filled the entire house with them. When I first asked my girlfriend out, I wrote a 3-hour rock opera about space monkeys. I can’t even visit my therapist without wearing a snorkel and holding a sign that reads “Capitalism is Organized Crime.” My friends tell me I go overboard sometimes.

I’m just worried that no one will understand how I feel unless I bathe in squid ink and recite the Legally Blonde script to a baby turtle. However, preparing for these performances is time-consuming and really expensive. How can I open up to my girlfriend in a way that doesn’t involve a fake Abraham Lincoln beard and a live cockatoo? How can I show my true self?

Sincerely,
$ (I’ve changed my name to a dollar sign to symbolize how consumerism is turning people into commodities)

Dear $,

There are many different ways to express how you feel. Some people write poetry to convey complex emotions. Others create a fake self-help column in order to talk about their real-life problems. Art is a wonderful form of expression because certain feelings and emotions are too complicated to articulate verbally.

You clearly have a strong creative voice, and you should learn to use that effectively. You can definitely use your craft to open up to your girlfriend. However, your intentions should be clear, and you should convey your message in a way that she can easily understand. You need to utilize the right tools and the most effective communication techniques. Consider this project your magnum opus, and really discipline yourself.

Art is an incredible form of therapy. You should not give up your craft, but simply learn to hone it a little better. Understanding a person takes effort, but it becomes easier when that person is willing to open themselves up.

I hope it works out for you.

Best Regards,
Jupiter

Dear Jupiter,

Thank you for the advice! Yesterday, my girlfriend and I had a talk. By that I mean I performed a sock puppet show about our relationship, and I ended the performance with a poem I wrote for her. I basically told her that I loved her, but I am not mentally ready for a relationship. She took it extremely well, and we ended on good terms. I really appreciate your guidance. I feel like a free person now, and I’m finally able to show my true self. Best Regards,
">"(I changed the dollar sign to a “greater-than” sign to show my gradual improvement as a person)

For more articles by Jupiter, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email jupiter@surrealtimes.net.

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