Weeks ago, a man named George Halfly stole a single-engine plane and flew it into the storage blimp floating above Amherst. He narrowly escaped the resulting explosion.
From the blimp’s hull, a potpourri of personal items and millions of poisonous tabun needles rained upon the population. Some people were crushed. Many were impaled by the tabun needles, poisoned, and killed painfully. The current death toll is 13. At least 5 citizens of Amherst remain missing and are likely dead.
I write today to inform the public that George won’t be stealing, destroying, or killing again. He’s going to jail, and for a long time, on
1 count of larceny over $250.
12 counts of destruction of property.
13 counts of manslaughter.
No appearance in court was necessary because, at first, Halfly put up a fight, but he eventually admitted to all crimes accused and more, including, “failing to foresee the negative consequences of excessive civic-mindedness”. He said, “a civic-minded person like [himself] can do more good from the inside than out,” and he continued, “ I always thought I’d have good conversation with the Despair Leaders in Hampshire County. They’d rile me up good.”