Plane Destroys Blimp, Deadly Tabun Needles Rain Upon Civilians

Tom Johnson,
Sergeant, UMass PD
Artist's depiction of these events by Zotov.

Yesterday a crank named George S. Halfly flew a stolen single-engine plane into the storage blimp floating above Amherst. The blimp erupted into flames as Halfly narrowly escaped. Thousands of items rained from the sky: furniture, antique snow machines, brown boxes, live kittens, and more brown boxes. While a number of people were injured, and while the resulting property damages were immeasurable, the worst was yet to come.

Behind these falling items, thousands of injection syringes wafted downwards, waving in the wind but accelerating and destined to kill. The syringes were filled with a nerve agent known as “tabun”. One after another, they impaled unsuspecting people. Liquid tabun entered their bloodstreams, quickly engulfing them with pain and, within minutes, causing death.

Some speculate that the needles were stored in the blimp with intent to kill. Others believe it was an accident and a tragedy. At this point, we cannot say. All that we can say is that the death toll is staggering and growing. The current toll includes Agatha Pendleton, The Last Pale Duck, Dingus Hullentail, Jeremy J. Jeremy, Big Brass Bessie, Chuck Stylish, and Earnest Earhorn.

Despite damage to his aircraft, Halfly managed to land on Amherst common. We arrested him immediately and treated him for minor injuries. When asked why he did it, he said "Airborne storage is for cowards and vagrants. A proper civic-minded citizen stores their possessions terrestrially. This new fangled blimp device will surely lead to social degradation and the corruption of our youth. Thus I destroyed it, to save our society."

For more articles by Tom Johnson, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tjohnson@umass.edu.

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