In recent weeks: Our windows have been covered. Our roads have grown impassable. Our trees have been strangled. Our mailboxes have been filled by rapidly-expanding hair.
Hair Anywhere Spray has solved many individuals's receding hairlines, but it has also stiffled the Pioneer Valley. It has made life here almost unlivable.
For this reason, we are instituting a valley-wide ban on Hair Anywhere Spray, and we are hiring student teams to collaborate with local landscaping companies in order to fight the mess that the spray created. We are also working with UMass biologists to investigate a permanent cure.
If caught with Hair Anywhere Spray anytime after next Tuesday, individuals will face fines and jail time. Two particular flavors of Hair Anywhere Spray, sticky and stinky, are considered especially heinous, and leverage heftier penalties as a result.
UMass PD is holding a Hair Anywhere Spray canister turn in at UMPD headquarters, open every day until 9:00pm.