Human Hair Salad: Is It Canabalism?

Derek Nussbaum,
Archeology Student at Amherst College ‘99
[Artist's depiction of these events by Imogene Larkley]

A new trend has rocked restaurants and cooking channels as of late, and that trend is the Human Hair Salad. While its origin is unknown, its popularity has grown exponentially. The dish is typically served as a mix or as a single strain, along with salad dressing and additives such as croutons and cranberries. But the dish has left one question on everyone's mind: is it cannibalism? According to Dr. Harold S. Pirog, an avid proponent of the dish, absolutely yes. We asked him what he thought.

“Do I think it’s cannibalism? Absolutely yes. I mean, you’re consuming something that grows off a human. That being said, if you haven’t tried brunette with a light Russian dressing, then you are missing out on life. Do you even know how to live your life? It’s cannibalism, so what? If someone wants to shed their locks to deliver a delicious meal willingly, I see no problem with it. You people are all so worried about what others think of you, and frankly I find it hilarious. You published an article about me shoving my tongue down my android non-living daughter's throat. Do you think I care about what your readers think about that? I don’t. Do not call this number again or I will have my lawyers all over you.”

We also asked resident street freak James “Jimmy” Diggs what he thought of the recent fad: “As someone that has always habitually chewed and eaten his own fingernails, toenails, and snot rockets, I like to consider myself experienced in the department of human consumption. That being said, I think it's mad to legislate the voluntary harvesting of our own hair for the meals of others. After all, we DO have a homeless problem both in this country and across the world, and I see this as both a renewable AND ethical source of food for those in need. Sure, it’s becoming popular among the elite class, but I’d find it extremely unethical to try and regulate something so widely available. Say we take that approach. Before you know it, we’ll have crazies running through the streets with pairs of scissors and electrical trimmers chasing down the good people of our society trying to shave their heads to feed themselves. Is that the America you want? #freethehair!!”

For more articles by Derek Nussbaum, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email nussbaum.derek@surrealtimes.net.

Comments

[Dopetoddler@Jan.10 10:47pm]: Who cares what hair salad is "considered". I'll be eating it either way.



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