Mound of Mixed Greens Appears in Cemetery

Clarence Mon,
Director of P.I.A.

AMHERST, Massachusetts — An eight-foot-tall mound of mixed greens has appeared overnight at West Cemetery. Today it sits blocking a dirt pathway not far from poet Emily Dickinson’s grave. Made primarily of butternut lettuce, the mound also contains scattered pieces of kale, spinach, romaine, and collard greens. The P.I.A. is investigating.

Some investigators speculate that recent graduates positioned the mound as part of their senior prank. Others wonder whether raccoons might have stockpiled the vegetation as preparation for winter.

Two observations lead me to think the explanation is more complex.

First is the way small bits of ashy material with an aroma resembling Tibetan incense were left encircling the lettuce mound. This suggests an involvement of something ritualistic, which probably rules out the raccoon theory.

Second is the way when I called UMass PD Sergeant Tom Johnson’s direct line, he was suddenly busy the moment I mentioned lettuce. A prank could have potentially involved incense. However, the UMass PD withholding of information tells me that the lettuce may be complicit in a larger happening.

We at the PIA are at loss for leads. So please, get in touch with any information you may have.

In the meanwhile,
Peripherally go the winds of progress…

Note: In these surreal times, it is ever more necessary for our central intelligence and law enforcement agencies keep in touch with the periphery. For this reason, we are troubled by UMass PD’s refusal to share intelligence with us.
For more articles by Clarence Mon, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email cmon@surrealtimes.net.

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