New Covid Variant Detected

Paul Kruger,
Times Correspondent

Move over Delta variant. There’s a new Covid mutation in town, and it’s more dangerous than ever. In El Segundo, California, the first case of the Omicron variant was found in Ron Johnson, age 24, who was rushed to the hospital after experiencing an intense fever and a wet cough. Scientists were shocked when they discovered how this latest variant was transmitted to Ron.

Due to an inexplicable mutation on the spike proteins of the newly mutated Covid virus, the Omicron variant can only be transmitted through extremely intense and oftentimes romantic eye contact between two people. “It appears the virus has developed a remarkable and frightening social intelligence, allowing it to selectively jump from human to human based solely on its perception of a romantic spark,” warned Dr. Debora Doosy.

Unsurprisingly, young smitten couples across the country have been separating for fear of contracting this new virus strain. Most married couples are safe, however, since their romantic spark died a long time ago. The CDC has taken drastic measures to temporarily shut down popular dating apps such as Hinge or Tinder out of an abundance of caution. “We just can’t risk anything,” said Anthony Fauci on Tuesday. “It is too early to tell if vaccines protect against the Omicron variant, so in the meantime, all romantic dates or ‘hookup’ as the young people say must be mitigated.”

This latest variant has taken a particularly devastating toll on middle schoolers who are getting into their first romantic flings. Preliminary studies show that the Omicron variant preys upon naïve tweens. “These vulnerable students have a lot of hormones building up, and it just so happens that the Omicron can sense awkward romantic eye contact,” explained Dr. Doosy This makes the 13-18 year old demographic particularly susceptible to the virus.

The Omicron variant has sparked intense debate within the scientific community. Some psychologists believe that only they know the true neuroscience behind romance, and thus epidemiologists are unfit to determine public safety policy going forward. Other doctors believe further examination of the spike proteins will yield a potential explanation to the perplexing variant. Even English professors and writers are getting in on the action, claiming that the humanities offer the best framework to understanding the Omicron’s propensity to romance.

If you have recently developed romantic feelings for someone or are in a healthy romantic relationship currently, beware. You could be in grave danger of contracting the Omicron strain of Covid. Luckily, the mutation does not spread rapidly (due to most people not engaging in romantic eye contact too frequently), but we should remain vigilant regardless.

For more articles by Paul Kruger, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email kruger@surrealtimes.net.

Comments

[Tyler@Sep.14 5:31am]: Obviously bs

[RD@Nov.13 4:41pm]: Insightful commentary on a divisive situation

[binger@Nov.26 7:44pm]: how did you name it beforehand?

[Science@Nov.27 12:35am]: Uh sooo how did you come up with this before it was discovered? Like 3 months before? We need explanations!

[John@Nov.27 4:04pm]: On nous cache des choses



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