#savecrabs Movement Sweeping The Country

Paul Kruger,
Staff Reporter

Pubic lice, the STD commonly known as Crabs, has recently been added to the World Wildlife Fund’s endangered species list. The designation of Crabs as a critically endangered species has sparked a massive social movement in an effort to prevent Crabs from going extinct. Joaquin Mojtabai, founder of the #SaveCrabs movement, told The Times, “This is an issue very near and dear to my heart. I’m happy to see Crabs finally demanding the national attention it deserves. The systemic eradication of these precious creatures by lice poachers has gone on for far too long.”

In 1986, German scientist Hertzog Gutenberg discovered the incredible medicinal powers of pubic lice in one of the most fortunate scientific accidents in history. After a wild week in Bangkok, Gutenberg discovered he had contracted Crabs. He carefully extracted each painful bugger from his body and rather absentmindedly threw them in a glass of water he had left out on the counter.

That night, Gutenberg went out with his friends for a birthday celebration and had a few too many drinks. Waking up the next morning with a wicked hangover and a parched mouth, Gutenberg grabbed for the nearest glass of water. Unbeknownst to him, he chugged the very same water he’d put Crabs in the previous day. Immediately, his foggy, sluggish head and body felt rejuvenated.

Hailed as the new first known cure for the common hangover, pubic lice turned from a detested STD to a valuable commodity almost overnight. Thousands of lice poachers, known as Crabby Hands, began harvesting and extracting the valuable lice from infected people. While it is a tightly-guarded industry secret how pubic lice is extracted from those infected with Crabs, it is widely believed that the process is painful and malicious.

To curb the burgeoning market of Crab extraction, the consumption of Crabs was outlawed in 1988. However, the black-market for the powerful hangover cure is still lucrative and thriving. Today, Crabs are crushed into a powder and sold on the black market by dealers known as Lice Slingers, a term first made popular at Amherst College.

Since the early 2000s, the Crabs population has been at a rapid decline. Increasingly, college students have turned to Crab powder to cure their weekend headaches after a night of hard partying. Now is a moment of critical importance, as there have been reports of fewer than 100 people in the world infected with Crabs.

In dire times like these, it is up to the public to keep Crabs from becoming a memory of the past. The government will release a statement in the next few weeks with a detailed plan to keep Crabs from going extinct. In the meantime, it is up to those in the #SaveCrabs movement to increase awareness for this important cause.

For more articles by Paul Kruger, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email kruger.paul@surrealtimes.net.

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