Selected Not-news Since 1973

Updates on the negative space of the quadro-decade

Frank Earhorn,
Columnist

I present to you my hand-curated list of occurrences that have not occurred since 1973 or earlier to the best of my knowledge.

Not-news item #1: Bob Marley’s granddaughter, whatever her name may be, has not engaged in holotropic breathwork with mono-lunged or dispersed-brained creatures.
Certainty: 73%
Source: Word of mouth and stargazing.

Not-news item #2: The underlying cellular automaton of the universe, theorized by Stephen Wolfram and Jonathan Gerard, has not been discovered or empirically verified. Thus, the cause of life, the universe, and everything remains unresolved.
Certainty: 88%
Source: Direct contact and conversation with the primary theorizers.

Not-news item #3: Cellulose-based lifeforms, and plants specifically, have not been engineered to deliver email through their collective root network, which could be used much like a vegan Internet.
Certainty: 84%
Source: Observation, inference, and the logic that if this not news was news, the world would be entirely different. Forests would be preserved because cutting down trees would slow down the Internet. Paper would not be wasted on currency.

In conclusion, many things have not happened since 1973 that we can only hope will happen before 2074.

Note: This list is not exhaustive. Don’t email me.

For more articles by Frank Earhorn, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email earhorn.frank@surrealtimes.net.

POST A COMMENT

See Also

Want to read more news? Click here for a random article.