Slug Delivery Not Controversial

Tommy Potentuary,
Reporter

Forward-thinking Amherst residents no longer waste gas and time driving to a local terrestrial mollusk store to buy slugs. Nowadays, they get their favorite slimy creatures delivered to their homes by drones carrying newspaper boys peddling bicycles through the air. Whizzing through the air, these young entrepreneurs toss armfuls of slugs on people’s porches, walls, roofs, and in other places depending on subscription type.

Amherst resident Tommy Bonjons said, “It’s awesome, I wake up in the morning to a cacophony of creepy crawlies on my bedside window, which I leave cracked open. It’s gross but kinda cool. And the ones that don’t die on impact are tons of fun to play with. You can put them in your brother’s cereal or his underwear drawer.”

Edward Cole of South Hadley bragged, “These slugs will decompose my house someday! By the time I’m 40, my home will be earthified and 100% environmentally friendly. I will become a mud person, one with many slug friends, and an ethical one at that.”

If that’s not enough testimony for you, let’s take a look at one more — this time, from Ferdinand Holden of Amherst:

“Ever since I added the cannibalism option to my slug delivery plan, I got rid of my toilet and my refrigerator. I don’t grocery shop because I eat slugs off my walls whenever I want. When I shit, I rub it on my roof. The slugs eat their own digested remains right back up. I am a living example of perpetual motion, baby.”

All and all, it seems that slug delivery is not controversial at all. People love it. I mean, who wouldn’t want some kid tossing slugs at your house every morning? The splatter sounds are soothing like raindrops.

For more articles by Tommy Potentuary, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tommy.potent@surrealtimes.net.

POST A COMMENT

See Also

Want to read more news? Click here for a random article.