EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! The mysterious S.T.D. ray gun, which infects its targets with sexually transmitted diseases, has escaped our possession. We are sincerely sorry, but there is no time for a full apology. This cruel and unusual weapon must not fall into the wrong hands, if it hasn’t already.
A world with genital diseases in place of bullets is not a world for me. Yet, the police refuse to provide help of any kind. The Peripheral Intelligence Agency is preoccupied. With no leads, we need your help.
The STD ray gun was originally retrieved from outside our reality through a glitch in the matrix accessed by an adventurous young writer. We did not want it, nor the liability it carried. However, being aware of the terrible power it wielded, we stashed it in journalist Dernberger Spengleton’s castle, a place built to last.
Since then, Spengleton’s castle has been dismantled, some say by hippies, Dernberger himself says by a multi-dimensional hypercube. But either way, the weapon was stolen in the process. Please help us find it. Send information regarding this case to firstname.lastname@example.org.