Task Tony Episode 1

Tony Pepperoni,
Columnist

Hey everybody, I’m Tony. Here’s the thing about me: My name is not Annie, so I can’t have an “Ask Annie” column. My name is Tony and I don’t know how to change it, and that’s why I’m starting this “Task Tony” column right now.

It works like this: You give me a task, then I’ll complete it and I’ll report back. Email me at task.tony@surrealtimes.net to suggest a task.

This week’s task: My first task was to “eat something not edible”, as suggested by Molly Hobbes.

How I did it: To complete this task, I needed to ask myself “what does it mean for something to be edible?” Easy. It is edible if it can be eaten. But the perplexing nature of this task is revealed when you realize that, to eat something that is not edible, is to render that thing edible. The only way around this paradox is to somehow ingest an item that becomes not-edible once you have eaten it. And I have done exactly this. I swallowed 1 gallon of liquid cement, which has since hardened in my stomach into a stone larger than any human mouth. This item will never be eaten again, and thus it is not edible. Yet, I have eaten it?

For more articles by Tony Pepperoni, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tony@surrealtimes.net.

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