“Pimp My Brain” Will Blow Your Mind

Tommy Potentuary,
Reporter

Amherst, MA — Folks used to get a back massage, meditate, talk to a therapist, or perhaps get a manicure to clear their mind. But people don’t want clear minds anymore; they want potent minds, fun minds, minds that grab you and make you laugh. A new approach to self-care has emerged as a result: “Pimp My Brain”, which is basically a complete makeover, but for your neurons, and it’s changing everything.

Have you ever tried talking to a romantic interest, but felt boring or bland, without any zazz, wishing you could be a bit funnier or smooth? Getting your brain “pimped” might give you what you need to woo and wow.

Wished you had more hobbies and energy to pursue them? Pimp my brain might fill you with more ideas and passion than you could ever imagine. Wished you had some peculiar affinities that might make you unique? Look no further.

The “Pimp my Brain” office is on the corner of Main St and Pleasant St where walk-ins are welcome. When you arrive, they’ll put you in a chair and feed you some brandy to soften you up. To get the blood pumping, they might ask you to do some jumping jacks. Then they’ll promptly slice off the top of your skull and get to work, no questions asked. They’ll rearrange your brain networks for the better, adding bells, whistles, qualities, passions, peculiarities, all sorts of fun things, before closing up your skull and sending you on your way.

The motto of the business is “Connections, detections, and predilections, oh my, as many as you can get and not die!” said co-founders, Dennis and Jenine Hamilton. “What we want to do is add flavor to peoples’ lives.”

Hundreds of people of all ages have gotten their brains pimped. A brain pimper mentioned, “Some people even schedule weekly visits to keep their minds fresh and different every week.” The Western MA town is now bustling with activities and happenings that people weren’t even interested in before. It’s like every person in a 5-mile radius is as unique and interesting as a movie character. And it’s always a fun surprise to see what people will be like after their next brain pimping appointment.

The only downside, as some people view it, is that you don’t get to choose in what fashion you want your brain to be pimped. But this is a huge pro. When you get your brain pimped, you become a walking serendipity! Who knows what you’ll learn to love? Who knows what weird beliefs you might acquire? What sense of humor you might get?

One burnt-out maintenance worker from Amherst High became a particle physicist overnight! And now he does nude somersaulting class on the side.

After her brain pimping appointment, a woman who worked as a delivery driver for Staples all of the sudden became the fastest driver in the state. She learned to recite all the Shakespeare sonnets from memory. And, once the media noticed her, they gave her a NASCAR Formula 1 sponsorship and made a reality TV show out of her reciting love songs while racing.

Unfortunately, with the possibility of wild success, comes the possibility of unwanted brain pimping results. In several cases, newly-pimped brains have been left permanently fluid, susceptible to all ideas, even the most garbage ones, or permanently stale, unable to learn anything new without more pimping.

Brain pimping is an early science, and it comes with risks, but in general, it has been an overwhelming success. Give it a try sometime. Treat yourself! Let’s make the world a more interesting place.

For more articles by Tommy Potentuary, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tommypotent@surrealtimes.net.

POST A COMMENT

See Also

Want to read more news? Click here for a random article.