Account: Hand Sanitizing Vigilantism Saves the World

BREAKING NEWS: The government is unprepared, outmatched by this corona-virus. The only answer: good-doing people taking things into their own hands -- or, some might say, putting things into dirty hands. Groups of vigilante sanitization militias have been seen roaming the streets, grabbing unsuspecting unsanitary passersby and slapping wads of rubbing alcohol on their palms.

One civilian explained, “I was just going to grab a takeout donut.. or maybe a few of them. I didn’t bother with a mask or gloves. So I was walking, swinging my arms back and forth, enjoying the breeze. Then some masked guy grabbed my hand. A second person put me in a chokehold. Someone else, also masked, lathered a bunch of rubbing alcohol all over me. They put a mask on me and then ran away.”

A Surreal Times reporter asked him, “How did that make you feel?”

And the victim responded, "Somehow, both clean and dirty at the same time.”

“Did these people say anything to you?”

“They just said, ‘Do your part,’ and they looked very sneaky but nice.”

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