Builders Leave Backdoors for Tyranical Ants

Carl Mon,
Head of PIA

No longer can we jangle our limbs in unpleasant but curious ways relentlessly while alone in our bedrooms, because we are never really alone. No longer can we manipulate our glottis aimlessly in search of our resonant frequencies. No longer can we lay our tongues upon each other’s eyeballs mutually.

The centralizing forces of the world have gone further, and smaller, than we expected. By hiring small but coordinated insects, the reality supremacists infiltrate every crevice of our homes, vehicles, and lives. Ants, bees, and buzzards — they get top dollar to report on what happens in the shadows. Making things worse, the construction companies are complicit. The periphery is shrinking, my friends! This is an all-out assault on the unbeknownst corners in which weirdness and uniqueness thrive.

The Reality Supremacy Cohort’s army of insects, combined with its control of the construction companies, has left connoisseurs of the fringes of society with nowhere to hide. PIA investigations found at least one deliberately-drilled insect hole in 12 different homes built by 12 different companies. The companies declined to comment, simply stating that “that’s what insurance is for”.

We have notified homeowners that their insect problems are more than just insect problems. We provided them with ant-traps, but the ants carried them away. Days later, homeowners would wake up with stomach aches from DEET sprinkled on their noses while they slept. Those who continued trapping the ants faced further backlash in the form of the ants ripping wires from their gaming consoles and dragging paper clips across their disks.

The Peripheral Intelligence Agency is mounting a war against the Reality Supremacists. We need help. Join us and, Peripherally will go the winds of progress.

For more articles by Carl Mon, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email mon.carl@surrealtimes.net.

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