Couple Has A Real Marriage
Denys and Henrietta Foster invited family and friends to a socially distanced gathering atop Mount Pollux in Amherst Massachusetts on 12/31/2020 for what they claim to be the first “Real Marriage” of the year.
“Most marriages are shams,” Henrietta said, “softie stuff.”
Denys chimed in. “Yeah, and me and Henrietta, we keep it real. Strictly objective, love made of steel.”
The gathering began with local welder, Dean Simmons, carrying his welding equipment to the top of the hill.
Surrounding the top of the hill, all those in attendance did push ups continuously to show their active approval of the eternal bond between these two lovers.
Two half-ring bearers struggled to drag half-circles of steel up the hill.
Meanwhile, the hilltop welder warmed up his machinery, and soon-to-be husband and soon-to-be wife stripped naked.
“Words are meaningless,” they said in unison, “except to declare their own meaninglessness. Today we join two lives into one, objectively, irrevocably, and forever.”
The welder, who was also the minister, read from the Objective Bible, “Pain is the a grounding feeling, more so than love. Before we solidify this bond, it is important to feel pain.”
“Bride, do you have your paddle?”
“Yes, most honorable welder, who binds things eternally.”
“Husband, do you have yours?”
“Yes, most honorable welder.”
“Bride, you may strike the husband,” the welder said, prompting Henrietta to strike her husband in the face with a wooden paddle, drawing blood. He grunted in pain but soon composed himself.
“Husband, you may strike the bride,” the welder said. And the husband knocked Henrietta to the ground.
The welder continued. “Bride, now that you have been truly grounded, do you feel that you are in a position to most honestly and soberly make choices about your future?”
“Yes, I do,” Henrietta acknowledged.
“Husband, now that you have been truly bloodied, and thereby grounded, do you feel that you are in a position to most honestly and soberly make choices about your future?”
“Yes, I do,” Denys said.
“Bride, do you take this man to be your second half for all eternity, good, bad, or ugly?”
“I do!” Henrietta said.
“Husband, do you take this woman to be your second half for all eternity, good, bad, or ugly?”
“I do, yes, proudly!” Denys proclaimed, spitting blood as he did so.
“If that is indeed the case,” the welder continued, “then, using my tools as rehearsed, bind this eternal steel band tightly around the two of your waists to affirm your commitments into reality.”
Denys and Henrietta took welding masks from the minister, put them on, and and then each took hold of a welding gun. The minister turned on the machine and told everyone to look away.
The best men and women placed two halfs of a steel ring around Henrietta and Denys’s waists, pushing them together.”
“The husband is to weld the northern seem. The wife is to weld the southern seem. Only by means of the welding of both sides, will this marriage be affirmed and forever sealed.”
Without hesitation, they began welding, and it wasn’t long before they were joined together forever.
“Husband, you may kiss the bride.”
The conjoined Fosters erupted into a furious make-out session that only ended when they fell over and, in their circular ring, rolled down the mountain into the forest.
The minister certified the marriage by using a pistol to shoot himself in the leg. “I hereby pronounce myself of sober, grounded mind, and in my grounded state, pronounce Denys and Henrietta Foster real Husband and real Wife.
The crowd, who had been doing pushups this whole time, could finally rest, gasp for air, and talk to each other about how beautiful the wedding was.
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