Dear Jupiter: My Biological Father Is Abraham Lincoln

Jupiter,
Columnist

Dear Jupiter,

I was raised in a single-parent household and I’ve always wondered about my biological father. Before I was born, my mother was a time traveler. She’s told me about her previous relationships with Alexander the Great, Joan of Arc and Pablo Picasso. On my 18th birthday, I finally got the chance to meet my father, and it turns out he’s Abraham Lincoln! He was exactly as I imagined him: tall, well-spoken and with a great big bushy beard. Even though we both got along pretty well, I still felt a strong, unspoken resentment for him. Sure, he was an important historical figure, but where was he when I needed a dad? Sure, he wrote the Emancipation Proclamation, but where was he during my high school graduation? I can’t even look at a five-dollar bill without getting sick. I want to have a relationship with my dad, but how do I love someone who was never really there?

Sincerely,
“Founding Daddy Issues”

Dear, “Founding Daddy Issues”, Believe it or not, you’re not the first person I’ve met with this problem. I once knew the daughter of a time-traveler whose biological father was Alexander Graham Bell. This created a tricky dilemma. She wanted to spend time with her dad, but she didn’t want to remove him from history. If Graham Bell left his time period to raise his daughter in the future, he would never invent the telephone. In short, you can’t remove people from history. It creates too many problems for the space-time continuum. Without Abraham Lincoln, the Emancipation Proclamation would never get signed and the 13th Amendment would never get passed. U.S history would be completely skewed. That’s a heavy burden you don’t want to carry.

One solution is cloning your dad. It’s a practical (although very expensive) approach, but it will only make you more attached to something that isn’t real. In reality, your father was never there. As much as you want to start a relationship with your dad, he never really was your dad. If you’re able to forgive him, that’s great. Holding grudges only creates more resentment and anger. However, you shouldn’t force yourself to love someone who never showed you love. Be thankful for your mom, who raised you to become the strong, intelligent person you are today. Be thankful you finally got to meet your father. That part of your life is no longer a mystery. End that chapter and move on. Become your own person. Don’t let how others treat you affect how you treat yourself.

Also, be thankful your father is Abraham Lincoln and not Vlad the Impaler. That would have made things way more complicated.

Jupiter

For more articles by Jupiter, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email jupiter@surrealtimes.net.

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