Woman Overdoses On Helium
[Artist's depiction of these events by Zotov]
A woman over-inflated with helium to the point of roundness was found clinging to the Hollywood sign as her buoyancy pulled her up toward the sky. Her name is Dianne Marve.
“I’m lucky I got hold of the ‘w’,” she said, “because otherwise I would have floated to the Sequoias, or worse.”
She had overdosed on helium while following Maggie and Craig Burroughs’ helium diet program, which claims to be the fastest way for regular bloated people to weigh less like Paris Hilton.
“I just really wanted to get like 10k or 15k more insta followers out of this, that’s all.”
Mr. Burroughs denies giving Dianne helium treatment and claims that she snuck into his facility and administered the helium herself. “I am very careful with my dosing,” Craig Burroughs said, “but she snuck in after hours and kept filling herself up until the scale said zero.”
“I wanted to be 100% skinny,” she said, “0 pounds.”
This all goes to show that is not ok to use chemicals to lose weight, and that helium is a particular bad choice. It is best to stick with the tried and true methodology: pushups, sit-ups, raw eggs and the like.
The Burroughs family will be investing in better locks, as well as public outreach to anyone who may be helium dosing at home.
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