Escaped Roosters Wreak Havoc Downtown

Tom Johnson,
Sergeant, UMass PD
[[Artist's depiction of these events by Marina Parella]]

A number of roosters from the recent cockfighting bust in Northampton managed to escape their containment areas at local animal rehabilitation centers. Five have been tracked down (only three without trouble). UMass PD is on the case.

One of the non-peaceful roosters was found in Glazed Donuts, having tied the arms of employees and barricaded the front door. This bird allegedly continued distributing donuts even after commandeering the shop. However, he refused to do business with typical customers. He interacted only with birds, and did so through the mail slit of the front door. He gave their flocks donuts at no charge, and forced employees to bake more donuts when supplies ran low. One strong-armed employee, M. Hanson, remarked, “That.. thing.. came in beak-blazing, telling us to get on the floor or else he’d peck our flesh clean off. At first glance, I laughed and figured I’d punt it out the door or something and continue my day’s work. But it was.. ferocious. — Absolutely terrible, that terrible terrible thing. I had no choice but to obey its commands, whatever it commanded.” Police and animal control suffered a myriad of injuries trying to apprehend the enraged rooster. Demoralized, they resorted to riot shields, which eventually proved to be a successful approach.

UMass PD wrangled the second problematic rooster outside of McMurphy’s pub in downtown Amherst on Thursday night. We were told he was inebriated and pecking at the ankles of bar hopping passersby. When victims would bend down to slap him as retaliation, he would peck their fingers and cause them to drop their beers. As you can imagine, this spilling of beers resulted in a number of skirmishes on the streets between rooster and man. Fortunately the rooster himself was not difficult to capture once reported, do to its drunkenness.

One or two additional rogue birds are thought to remain the loose. General Wingsoverman commented on their whereabouts and motivation, saying , “I don’t know the location of their feet or the intention of their beaks, but even if did know, I wouldn’t give you the treat of my telling! I am for the birds, ‘man’. Goose, duck, or otherwise, it doesn’t matter. All birds fly over men.”

Glazed Donuts is up and running per usual now. We at UMass PD are on the hunt for those roosters remaining on the loose. All captive birds have been transported to the police station and are kept securely behind bars now. Please get in touch if you have any information on the whereabouts of the remaining one or two roosters.

For more articles by Tom Johnson, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email johnson.tom@surrealtimes.net.

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