Hair Anywhere Graffiti Scoundrels Run Rampant

Tom Johnson,
Sergeant, UMass PD

We have received multiple reports of individuals using the new Hair Anywhere Spray for purposes of vandalism, general hooliganism, and in some cases, violence.

In one case, a woman reported going out to get her mail, and finding her mailbox to be entirely filled with thick, bug-infested hair. We later learned that her entire road, Taylor Street, in Amherst, had been hit with Hair Anywhere Spray as well, and was sprouting hair 10 feet tall.

In another case, the Amherst High School principal’s home was covered in thick hair. The principal, Joe Tellie, told us that if it wasn’t bad already, the hair began to stink after a few days, and he is now forced to power wash it weekly.

Principal Tellie suspects a student may have done this to get back at him after how he may have mishandled a recent incident of bullying in school, which also involved Hair Anywhere Spray. A group of large football players had pulled a smaller more academic boy into the locker room and coated him in hair. The newly-hairy student then wanted to hide away in the principal’s office, but the principal embarrassed him by forcing him back into class. The Principal says he regrets causing the boy trauma but that it was no grounds for vandalizing his home.

Because these are few of many recent incidents around here, we at UMass PD wish to warn UMass students and faculty, as well as all citizens of the Pioneer Valley, that people nowadays need to be aware of this modern hair technology. Like any technology, if in the hands of bad people, it can do bad things.

So, homeowners, we recommend you install video cameras on your homes to aid in catching vandals, and we ask that you send any information regarding Hair Anywhere Spray wielding vandals to us.

There is no cure for Hair Anywhere Spray caused abnormal hair growth. Once you or your property is coated in hair, it will remain that way for the foreseeable future. I don't usually condone people taking matters in their own hands. But in this epidemic, people need to protect themselves. If you see someone using Hair Anyway Spray for evil, tear the can from their hands and teach them a lesson.

And parents, please do not let your young ones get their hands on this spray. They don’t need it, anyway; they are young, their hair grows fine.

For more articles by Tom Johnson, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tjohnson@surrealtimes.net.

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