Hiccupper Quarantine Camps

A new strain of the hiccup virus has been plaguing city streets across the country. Those infected with it suffer painful bodily contortions, sometimes strong enough to break bones. The only cure is to startle someone else in order to transfer your symptoms to them. But, in doing so, hiccupers, as they’re called, often startle multiple people, thus multiplying the disease. The result is exponential spreading of this terrible new form of hiccup with an R value reproduction rate of 2.6.

Countless hospital staffers have caught hiccups-2021 from their patients and experienced serious health complications. At this point, few doctors are willing to treat hiccuppers.

Congress responded to this severe situation by creating hiccuper facilities where all hiccuppers will be sent until doctors better understand the disease. Police are rounding up hiccupping persons from their homes and placing them behind bars.

“Hiccupper patients are in so much pain,” Dr. Hamilton said, “They’ll do anything to get rid of their hiccups, even if it means transferring the disease to the very person trying to save them. I want to help, but it’s just too risky.”

“We are hoping for not only a cure, but a vaccine as well,” said Representative Thomas.

A squadron of police officers trained to resist jump scares is responsible for maintaining the quarantine. Quarantined persons will be released only once a true cure is discovered.

These police officers, who were selected on the basis of their calm responses to horror movies, are not without moral conflict.

“It’s a tough situation,” Sergeant Tom Johnson of UMass PD said. “You can’t tell who’s a hiccupper, and who just has the hiccups, the regular hiccups, I mean. But we have no choice. We need to lock everyone up together. It’s for the greater good.”

For more articles by Carl Mon, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email cmon@surrealtimes.net.


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