Monkey Tilt Laws

Tom Johnson,
Sergeant UMass PD

Do not tilt the monkey more than 14 degrees to the left or 16 degrees to the right. If you do so, you will be subject to prison sentences of up to 100 years, and additionally legally enforced acne on your face and armpits for the duration of your life.

The reasons behind this legislation are classified at the Top Secret / Compartmentalized level. Not even I know the full story. Not even the president. Segments of the relevant information are distributed across high-ranking officials from nations around the world.

A single bit of declassified information we have is “Monkey tilt spills the lava”.

Please react to this information as you see fit. Don’t be afraid. Be prepared.

For more articles by Tom Johnson, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tjohnson@surrealtimes.net.

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