New Business In Town: Kid Swap

Paul Kruger,
Times Staff

Are you a parent who can’t stand your child? Have you realized that you simply have nothing in common with your little brat? Does your son or daughter spend every waking moment of their life glued to the phone, giving you no opportunity to develop a normal family relationship? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then you may be interested in Kid Swap, a new store opening on Pico Avenue!

Like our name suggests, we are an all-inclusive service that allows you to swap out your child for another one. Think of it as a do-over. Let’s say you are a father who would like nothing more than to engage in manly pursuits with your son – say football, woodworking, or hunting – only to be stuck with a kid who posts Tiktok dances unironically and is super into astrology. Or you are a mother who would love a nice, well behaved Stanford-bound daughter only to realize she’s barely going to get into the local community college. Let’s face it. You resent your child for being the little spoiled scamp that they are. Instead of blaming yourself for failing to provide good fatherly/motherly guidance, drop your kid off at our store and get a brand new, more lovable child the very same day.

Here’s how it works. Load your unlovable child into the car and drop them off at our store – we’ll lock them up in the “playpen” with all the other children eligible to be swapped out. Once you’ve dumped your child, we will take you to our consultation room where you can flip through a catalogue of hundreds of kids to choose from. Each child’s profile will give a comprehensive overview of its personality, interests, and physical attributes. Haven’t you always wanted a daughter who wins piano competitions? Or a son who can bake French pastries? Your dreams can become a reality! Called the number 1 (800) KID-SWAP for a free consultation. One parent’s neglected child can become your dream son or daughter. Your path to a better family starts with Kids Swap.

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