New Study Suggests This Is All A 4th Grader’s Fever Dream

Ludwig Andre Hogan,
Times Correspondent

Researchers from Boston Bombastic University have uncovered shocking evidence through studying particle string theory that we are all in fact living in the fever dream of 10 year old Martin McClatchy from Greensfield, New Jersey. This newly discovered groundbreaking evidence suggests that all of reality and the cosmos is currently taking place within an adolescent boy with a temperature of 101 degrees who’s currently home sick from school and sweating profusely through his blankets.

“This really takes everything we know about space, time, and quite frankly all of human existence and throws it out the window. If our findings are correct all current mathematical formulas are incorrect as we’re pretty sure Martin wouldn’t even start learning advanced algebra until at the very least 8th grade,” said the study’s lead author Vance O’Valley, who graduated with a PhD in theoretical astrophysics from MAT (Massachusetts Advanced Technology) institute in Cambridge, MA.

“Quite frankly at first we found our findings hard to believe, as even with delirium from fever it’s hard to imagine a 4th grader’s mind coming up with anything as twisted and screwed up as the current reality we live in, but then we realized that this kid is most definitely also sick in the head and definitely has an extremely troubled home life,” said the study’s co-author Vinnie Mottanolli.

When questioned on what these findings could mean for larger existential questions that have long plagued humanity such as the meaning of life and the nature of free will, the study’s lead author O’Valley responded:

“Jesus Christ, I don’t know man, I just punch numbers into a computer okay? I mean does any of that shit matter anyway? At the end of the day the answers to those questions don't actually change what your current life is, does it? You go to work, go home, sleep, repeat. Whether or not reality is all just the dream of a sick 10-year-old isn’t gonna change any of that.”

For more articles by Ludwig Andre Hogan, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email ludwig@surrealtimes.net.

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