Probabilistic Fatal Justice System To Take Effect Monday

Tommy Potentuary,
Surreal Times Reporter

Beginning this Monday, the punishment for all convicted criminals will be the same: death. However, depending on the crime committed, a probability of death will be assigned. For instance, of those convicted of murder, 90% will be randomly selected to be executed. The remaining 10% will go free. Of those convicted of a traffic violation, only 2% will be executed. Most will go free.

The full table of crimes and punishment probabilities, as originally stated verbally by the Head Justice of the United Realms of America, is reprinted here:

  • Crime - Chance of Execution %
  • Murder - 90%, Lying - 15%, Speeding - 2%
  • Saying that the sun is real - 30%
  • Tax Evasion - 10%
  • Assault on a terrestrial vertibrate - 15%
  • Assault on a terrestrial invertebrate - 10%
  • Assault on an extraterrestrial - 99%
  • Salavia Embezzlement - 30%

In recent years, the United Realms has tried various methods of curing crime - corrective punishment, rehabilitation, retribution…. community programs, neighborhood watch, various social services and other methods. These approaches are deterministic spot fixes.

A a wise man, Sir. Jack O’Doyle, once said, “If people can predict the future, they will.” What we need is a probabilistic solution that spans the entire time cone.”

Good news: starting this Monday, we’ll have one.

This systemic change is predicted to vastly lessen the number of crimes in the United Realms. Perhaps more importantly, people will be free to choose for themselves which crimes are worth it and which ones are not, regardless of their background.

For more articles by Tommy Potentuary, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tommy.potent@surrealtimes.net.

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