Task Tony Helps Belen Find Love

Tony Pepperoni,
Columnist

Hey everybody, I’m Tony! Here’s the thing about me: My name is not Annie, so I can’t have an “Ask Annie” column. I don’t know how to change my name. That’s why I do Task Tony.

It works like this: You give me a task, then I’ll complete it and report back. Email me at tony@surrealtimes.net to suggest a task.

This week’s task:

Hi Tony,
I have a task for you!
I need you to find me a new (wouldn’t mind if he was rich OR had a home with a garden, wrap around porch, or roof) boyfriend. I am a super fun, loving, flirty 22 year old girl who can hold it down in the kitchen, but only for a veggie fiend :p. Need 24/7 type of available freak who likes to play cards. Contact me on Kik @belen2360
Love,
Belen Peinado XOXO

How I did it: To complete this task, I needed to ask myself who Belen is and what each individual word in her email meant, as well as what the collective meaning of the words was. Some of Belen’s words are especially hard to decipher, such as “love”, “girl”, and “freak”. I absorbed 2.3 kilograms of opium through my eyeballs and meditated for three days. When I awoke in the hospital with wetness between my legs, I knew the answer. I would go to the beach (where there is water!) and find someone with unequal length legs. This would be the ideal “boyfriend” for Belen. I have written letters to both Belen and the chosen beach-goer, arranging for a blind date. I expect gambling vegetarian pornstar babies in approximately 9 months.

For more articles by Tony Pepperoni, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email tony@surrealtimes.net.

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