Artist's depiction by Flynn Bryan
Los Angeles, CA — Invasive plants with teeth are populating parks around Los Angeles, biting at people, pets, and our sense of comfort in our own hometowns.
I was investigating these plants when a woman yelled at me from the sidewalk, absolutely pissed for reasons I didn’t at first understand. “My puppy is missing a leg,” she said, “It’s all your fault!”
I tried to explain that I was not planting the shark-toothed flowers. Actually, I was picking them to bring back to the lab for processing. I was investigating the very problem she was angry about. So I told her, “I’m from the Peripheral Intelligence Agency, ma’am, and I’m trying to figure out why these plants are so violent.”
“Sure, sure you are!” She yelled, “You ass. Why can’t you all just leave plants as they are, without teeth, like Mother Nature intended?”
In this moment, I lost grip of the monstrous hammer-headed daisy I’d been examining, when right then it reached across the hedge and bit the lady’s dog leash in half. Her three-legged pup limped away towards freedom.
“Snicker bopper, no!” the woman cried, “Come back! Momma is lonely.” She cursed me out as she chased after the pup.
And so my interaction with her ended as quickly as it had begun. Left I was to ponder on my own what Dr. Michael Giggs, the dentist who invented robotic teeth, might have to do with these strange and dangerous plants.
Before Dr. Giggs passed away, did this egomaniac dentist deploy his teethy inventions outside the animal kingdom? Are these biting plants man-made? Some say so.
Others say this is all just another example of rich folks importing exotic creatures from other countries as pets for their children, then getting bored and releasing them into the wild. This is how 30-foot long snakes slither up into the toilets of Florida homes and bite people’s balls off.
We just don’t know yet, but we’re working on it.
As always, peripherally go the winds of progress.
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