Spiders As An Alternative To Music

Common Observer,
Surreal Times Reporter

In these end times, the absence of in-person music and socializing is an opportunity for something new. Weekend nights no longer revolve around thumping bass systems and fruity alcohol, so people have begun experimenting with putting other kinds of things in their esophaguses and ear holes.

Sugar packets in the ears. Wiggling slugs to wash them down. Bottled sunshine ingested, bringing warmth to the diaphragm. Mother’s underwear to top it all off.

As with any experiments, many of these did not go well. Tommy Potentuary, for instance, will never be able to hear again unless someone finds a way to soften and remove an earful of cement.

The most successful music-substitute has been a particular breed of arachnid. This South American spider, when placed two inches inside the eardrum, and when fed breadcrumbs hourly, will do a goofy dance that tickles your ear hairs in an extraordinary way. As these little legs kick and flick, they give the “listener” a sensation of listening to live Reggae, Jazz, and Mongolian Throat Singing all simultaneously, but without actually hearing any noise!

So you get all those feelings of excitement, serenity, builds, and breaks, that good music gives you, but you never get a headache from the noise! And you can do it without needing to go to some smelly, crowded, germ-ridden venue somewhere (unless you’re into spider sharing!).

This newer new-age lifestyle isn’t right for everyone, and it certainly comes along with risks. I gotta say though, kids these days are a creative bunch. I, for one, am excited about post-end-of-the-world culture.

For more articles by Common Observer, click here. To get in touch with this writer, email common.observer@surrealtimes.net.

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