Free Will Fridays

Tom Johnson,
Sergeant UMass PD

Some mormon communities in Utah are adopting “Free Will Fridays” which is their way of showing moderation over God’s biggest indulgence made available to humans: free will. By limiting their use of this gift to Fridays only, they show God that they respect his intentions while thankful for his gifts. On non-fridays, they live their life 100% according to routine. On Fridays, they open the floodgates to choices.

Some people believe that Free Will is an imagined concept which is useful however not an accurate model of real life. The world is a composition of many deterministic molecular interactions, which when combined give rise to chains of causes and effects complicated enough to be confusing, but that are ultimately still deterministic.

This sect of mormons, The Friday Mormons as they have been called, believe that God has gifted humans the ability to freely make choices, but that if we overuse that gift, it will be taken away.

The result of this new outlook has been multifaceted.

One thing I’ve noticed is that it is nearly impossible to talk with anyone on any day but friday. People just nod their head and still to their plan like stone. You can’t convince anyone to even think a thought they hadn’t planned for. Perfect holy routine.

On a positive note, Fridays are a blast! After not thinking for themselves, Friday Mormons let loose at the end of the week. They analyze the deterministic events of the past few days. They party! They cheat and steal! They go on spontaneous adventures!

County authorities have begun recruiting help from neighboring state police departments on fridays specifically in order to deal with the additional mishaps. The district attorney said that “Police sit around twiddling their thumbs most days, but all hell breaks loose at the end of the week. Last week, someone convinced half the mormons in Utah to run around naked, junk flapping around, yelling ‘thank you god for the ability to choose!’ What can we do about these nimrods?”

Talking to the organizer of the “Naked Choices Rally”, Theodore Munnely, I learned that he is actually not mormon or religious at all! “I have a different perspective,” he said, “but it aligns in practice with the Friday Mormon outlook. I don’t know if God exists, but I think something must exist. My goal, and the goal of my collaborators from Massachusetts, is to catch the attention of the divine and the extra-terrestrial, whoever they are, somehow someway. We believe that the Friday Mormon outlook poses an undeniable spectacle. If the gods see humans behaving perfectly well 6 days a week, and then acting dastardly and absurd every friday, they’ll know that we are more than a mere collection of molecules. They’ll know we have souls and spirits, struggles and joyous occasions! They’ll want to talk to us.” Representatives of the Mormon faith were not concerned that Theodore was co-opting mormons for his goals despite not being a mormon himself. “On free will fridays, mormons should make choices. It is not the church’s place to regulate those choices, although I myself tend to keep my pants on during all 7 days of the week.”

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