Tom Johnson,
Sergeant, UMass PD

Yesterday a crank named George S. Halfly flew a stolen single-engine plane into the storage blimp floating above Amherst. The blimp erupted into flames as Halfly narrowly escaped. Thousands of items rained from the sky: furniture, antique snow machines, brown boxes, live kittens, and more brown boxes. While a number of... [Continued]...

After surviving an attempt on my life in prison, I am now faced with what to do with the life I have just preserved. Given that the plot was concocted by the warden of the prison himself, my parole board has decided to allow me to finish my sentence at home, under house arrest. However, there is a stipulation: I must p... [Continued]...

Chimp Joe Leaves Jail Under Care of Lover

Released on the condition of her care

Chimpanzee Joe is a well-known and respected journalist for The Surreal Times newspaper. As the only non-human vertebrate member of the news team, he provides an important perspective unavailable by anyone else. By reading his articles, one can tell that Joe is a smart, thoughtful individual. ... [Continued]...